The NonReport
by NotAnAlchemist
Summary: Roy Mustang always figured Ed would fall for a girl who was patient enough to deal with him. EdxOC Slash, Yoai, Shounen-ai, boy x boy, etc.


Roy Mustang always figured Ed would fall for a girl who was patient enough to deal with him. She would have to look the other way when he and Al did something illegal, she would have to be a sweet-talker to get him out of trouble, when Ed had a new "breakthrough" and couldn't remove his face from a book, she would have to stand the lonely nights, and she would have to cook well. Of course.

But, above all, she would have to be absolutely beautiful. There are two reasons to this: Ed would like someone who stands out in a crowd. The boy got so focused and romance was not a top priority, so in order to be able to see a girl in _that way_, she would need be able to force those thoughts onto him.

The other reason is that Edward Elric is rather striking himself. It was difficult not to notice how good-looking the teen was. He would need someone to complement him, in a way, and not be overshadowed by him. The key to a good relationship, Roy always thought, is equality. And Ed was definitely one for equality.

But Roy didn't know why he was thinking of this. Romance and Ed did not match up, didn't even belong in the same sentence, and yet, here he was, thinking of the two. It's amazing what you muse when you're trying to avoid paperwork.

-.-.-.-

Ed stomped into Colonel Mustang's office in his usual, noisy fashion. "Don't have the report," he said as he swung the wooden door closed, "Been busy. I'll get it to you by Friday." He plopped himself on the typical couch.

Roy glanced up at him from the paperwork he was pretending to do. "I told you to have it by today, Fullmetal," he explained, like that changed anything. He doodled a picture of an apple on the important government documents. He was keeping his act up as Colonel Perfect. **(1)**

"I know, but like I just _said_, I've been busy," Ed huffed, kicking his legs up on the coffee table and crossing his arms. Roy waited for the boy to explain some, but he didn't.

"With what?" he asked.

"Nothing. Something. This and that. None of your business!" Ed suddenly exploded. Roy put down his pen and looked up at the boy. That was unexpected.

He frowned. Well, if Ed wanted to be a brat, he'll go Colonel on him."Fullmetal, it is my business. If it is about the stone then I deserve to know, as I'm funding your investigation. If it's about anything else, then I need a believable explanation so I don't suspend you for not handing your report in." He was very pleased with how much authority his voice held during that.

Apparently, Ed didn't appreciate it as much as he did. "Screw you," Ed growled, "It's none of your business."

Somehow, this thing became a big deal in a matter of seconds. If it wasn't with Ed's sudden, defensive explosion, Mustang would have accepted any bullshit excuse the Elric gave him. But now that it was a thing, he was curious. Hell, who wouldn't be?

He smirked and began, "Then I orde-" The obnoxious ring of the phone cut him off. "Yes?" Roy answered.

"_Colonel Mustang. I have something semi-urgent to tell you." _It was Riza, which was expected as she had the other line of the phone.

"Semi-urgent?" he questioned, raising an eyebrow.

_"Well, it isn't life-or-death, but I'm sure you would like to know."_

"What is it, then?"

_"It's the Elric fund, sir. Only a quarter of the money is left."_

Roy dropped the phone so it made a loud _clunk!_ He swallowed and placed it gently back on the receiver. "Fullmetal," he bit out, "what happened to all my money?"

"Your money? You mean, MY money!" Edward nervously shouted.

"It is not time for games, Edward. Tell me what you did with that money."

Ed gulped. "This and that," he squeaked.

You could almost see the steam coming from Mustang's ears as he said, "Edward whatever-your-middle-name-is Elric I am ordering you to tell me what happened to that money and why you didn't hand in that report! Call me crazy, but I think the two are related!"

"Why should I tell you?" Ed was as stubborn as ever.

Roy smirked his most sadistic smirk to date. "Because if you don't," he explained, "I'll cut your wages in half. That means: no more nice hotel, no more room-service, no more extra spending money."

The Elric clenched his jaw in thought and Roy could have sworn he saw Ed's eye twitch. "Fine," Edward finally said.

"Fine?"

"Fine!"

A moment passed. "I'm waiting, Fullmetal."

"Shut up, you bastard! I'm getting to it!"

"Get to it more quickly."

"You're the worst! Okay, the reason is that.. that... I met someone! I met someone and I'm pathetic and buy them a lot of gifts and spend too much time with them and bought them a train ticket back to Central so we could be together and we fought about me spending money but they didn't have any so I bought the ticket and tickets cost a lot of money apparently!" By the time Ed finished, he was out of any energy he had, so all of his muscles relaxed and he fell back onto the couch.

Roy was at a loss for words. Ed was making a sport of not looking at his superior and it was like the Colonel couldn't look anywhere _but_ at Ed.

"Y-you met someone in Gloff? That small town?" Was all Roy managed to say.

"Yes." Ed said sharply.

"You spent all your money on them?"

"Yes."

"They're here? In Central?"

"Yes."

"And you couldn't do your report because you spent too much time with her?"

"Y-yes." Fullmetal said a little more hesitantly.

Roy didn't know what to say again. He went over the new-found information in his head once more.

"I want to meet this person," he declared.

Ed's eyes widened. "What? No!"

"Yes! I order you to bring her to the office because quite frankly, I don't believe you."

"What? Why the hell not?"

"It took me that long to get that information out of you? C'mon, Fullmetal! You don't get embarrassed like that!" Colonel Mustang said, ignoring the red tinge on Ed's face.

"It's an order?" Ed asked quietly.

"Yes. Bring her now," he ordered.

Ed reluctantly stood up and left the room, dragging his feet, not walking in the saunter he usually had. When the coast was clear, Roy ran out of his office to tell his subordinates what he just found out.

"Colonel!" Havoc immediately greeted. Roy nodded in his direction. "What's wrong with the boss? He looked a little down."

Roy pulled over a chair with a big grin on his face. "Everyone, gather around, and that's an order. I have to tell you something," he said.

He could practically feel the curiosity in the office as they began to surround him. When he was positive he had everyone's attention, he began, "I just found out something about our little Edward." He added a dramatic pause. "It seems that the boy has found a _lover_ of sorts."

There was a collective gasp. "I knew he got some!" Breda exclaimed. "You could tell from how he walked in!"

"Now, now," The Colonel rationed, "There might not be any sex involved. Yet. He's only 15, after all."

"When I was 15," Havoc said, "_being 15_ was the only excuse I needed to do it."

"Not everyone is you," Hawkeye explained.

"Anyway," Roy continued, "He's bringing her. I told him that it was because I didn't believe him, but I think we can all agree that we want to meet her."

"She must be something to get Ed to like her..." Fuery said. Falman nodded in agreement.

"I think so too. Now, act natural when they come up-"

"Okay, Colonel Bastard, we're here," Ed called from outside the office.

"Damn! That was quick!" Havoc yelped.

"She must have been waiting downstairs..."

"Well, just come on in. Not like you've ever had a problem with that before," Roy called to Ed.

The door swung open violently and Ed marched in with a person attached to his arm. They both stood in the middle of the office, Ed visibly sweating, so the military personnel could take them in.

She had shoulder-length black hair and green eyes, a strange combination. Freckles were hardly visible on her pale skin, but they were there. She was even shorter than Ed, too! Roy had been studying her so closely that he was surprised at himself that it took him that long to discover... that _she..._ was a _he._

"Ed..." the green-eyed boy said quietly, "I don't see any cake." In Roy's defense, he was a rather pretty boy. Anyone could have made that mistake.

"Everyone," Ed mumbled, "this is Zachary, my b-boyfriend."

Then, everyone spoke at once.

Riza said, "Ed, I didn't know you swung that way."

Havoc said, "Holy shit, I knew it!"

Breda said, "Wait, you're gay?"

Roy said, baffled, "F-fullmetal!"

Fuery said, "You guys look so cute together!"

Zachary pouted, "So you lied about the cake?"

And Falman stood quietly.

Ed only bothered to answer Zachary. "No, Colonel Asshole has some in his personal office," he told the smaller boy.

Roy tried again, "F-fullmetal!"

"What do you want?"

"You like other boys?" he asked.

Ed thought for a minute. "Yeah, I guess I do. So... this is who I met in Gloff... we're living together in the dorms with Al... no"-he blushed- "sex yet... and now you all know everything about my life. Happy, you nosy bastards?"

Roy still looked dumbfounded, but he said anyway, "I expect the report by Friday. Go ahead and get your boyfriend some cake."

And Zachary was beautiful, just like Mustang expected.

-.-.-.-

**(1)** Excuse my dry humor...


End file.
